I had a pretty good day today, or evening rather. I had a nice dinner at the Apple A Day Diner with my beloved Bunnybear. Except while I went to the bathroom, Ed followed. Of course as I was washing up, he stood right behind me in the mirror. He grabbed me and told me to focus. "Look...look at how fat you are. Turn around." After he said that, he turned me around and pointed out something..."Your back...it's fat. Look at the rolls." I got upset but then I said to him,

"Ed, I am not fat. I know you're lying to me and what I see isn't real."
"Bullshit, Lauren. You've gotten fatter. I told you you shouldn't have eaten that brownie sundae the other day. You shouldn't be eating brownie sundaes period. But no, you never listen to me."
"But I wanted it. That's why I ate it cause I, LAUREN, wanted it. I know you didn't but I did. I'm allowed to eat whatever I damn well please. Ilyse (my nutritionist) told me so. I can eat a brownie sundae once or twice a week if I want to so shut the fuck up, Ed."
"How dare you talk to me that way after everything I've done for you. I could have made you happy. (Ed makes no sense. He is a complete bullshitter.) You're a failure. You have no self-control. That's your problem. You'll never succeed in life if you're not thin. Look at everyone out there. They are all thinner than you. The waitress is thinner than you."
I never know what any of this means. I never know what Ed is trying to get at or why he thinks the way he does. Does it make any sense? I think not.
I walk away from him, go into the stall and go to the bathroom then finish. Take one more look in the mirror. Then walk out. I'm not going to let him get to me. It's a tough struggle, heck yeah it is but I'm doing it.

And it's good to have a few good laughs. Helps to stay strong and keep positive.

Yesterday was a great day. I went out to eat with my Bunnybear and Ed didn't bother me too much. He tried. Sure, like always he followed along but I didn't let him get me down or follow me into the bathroom this time. I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw! How wonderful and cool is that?

So I haven't updated this in forever....

What's been going on with my life?

I'm engaged and happily in love. I'm looking for a job. I already applied at CVS. I've been driving more. And then there's Ed....

Ed's been on my case a lot lately. I finally reached at normal healthy weight. My normal healthy weight range flucuates within 10 lbs and I found I'm on the high end. Ed's not happy because of this. He wants me to lose weight. My nutritionist would beg to differ. I can't stop focusing on food, weight and body image. It's driving me to the point of insanity. I'm already there but I think I'm almost past the point of no return. I scruntinize over every single little thing I put in my mouth. I can enjoy it for the moment but then comes the guilt. I hate Ed. I can't even go to the grocery store without having to stand in line with Ed behind me telling me about how much thinner the girl in front of me is. I can't even eat a regular meal without him getting after me for it. I hate him. Hopefully someday I will kill him.

So I randomly got a call from Jasmine. Well, the phone rang and due to my lack of caller ID, I couldn't see who was calling so I didn't want to answer it just in case. It's not that I don't have caller ID, it's just that I don't have a screen for it to show up on, lol. I did but not anymore. Anyway, the answering machine picked up and all of a sudden I hear, "Hey you, I'm near Canada!" I cringe. It's Jasmine acting like nothing ever happen. Obviously, she's with her loverboy, Mathew, traveling. Well, if she's in Canada, stay in Canada! Hmm, has she not read my latest blog entry on myspace? I guess not. Anyway, I didn't bother to pick up but the thing is now, I don't know whether or not I should talk to her. I mean, it seems like every time I talk to her, nothing good ever comes out of our conversation. I just end up getting aggravated and upset with the shit that she says. So I don't know. Maybe I should just answer the phone and be like, "So, I take it you haven't read my latest blog entry on myspace? It's dedicated to you." I don't know what to do. But I really don't think I want to associate with someone who criticizes me for being a vegetarian or makes fat jokes. Yeah. I think I'm better off without her, huh?

quenches your thirst and is very refreshing! And I love it!

Randomness, yeah.

So anyway, I haven't been online in days because my stupid monitor went on me. It would stay on for five minutes, flicker, then just suddenly shut off. So my dad's friend gave me another one. I'll be honest, the coloring on everything looks funny and I have no idea why, but the writing on the screen is insanely blurry! It looks like I don't have my contacts in as I type. Damn, this sucks but it's a monitor. I tried to adjust the settings on it but yeah, doesn't seem to fix anything. Oh well, it's a monitor. Guess I can't complain too much. At least I have a monitor for now.

I've been having weird dreams lately mainly about my cousin Chris and his girlfriend Kaitlynn. A few days ago I had a dream I was so pissed off at them, which I am, well Chris that is. All I can say is wow, I told that bastard off big time. He did something, more than something. He did things that well hurt me and my family so when he came over for the final time, I told him off saying a lot of stuff. He looked pretty angry but oh well, he deserved everything I said to him. I suppose some of it was pretty harsh but hilarious too! Good for the little bastard! Don't you hate it when you have relatives that are liars and users? Yeah, it sucks. I have a few like that in my family.

So anyway, this dream was well, I was yelling at Chris and Kaitlynn and Kaitlynn said that we'd get everything straightened out which there was nothing to straighten out and none of the events that recently happened between my family and Chris had nothing to do with her. Then there was a baby but the baby looked nothing like Chris or Kaitlynn. However, Kaitlynn is pregnant so I take it it was supposed to be their baby? I don't know. Ooh, but there was a really cool part of the dream. After I got so upset with them, I went into the kitchen or something and I sat down on the floor but I was leaning against Malcolm Mcdowell's leg! I don't know where that came from but it was cool. He was older like he is now but hell, he looked good! And I rarely dream about the guys I have a crush on.

Malcolm is my new obsession. I think everyone knows I have a thing for older men with blue eyes. :D But being British is a total bonus and plus!

So I watched Rob Zombie's "Halloween" again. I've taken a liking to it. Want to buy it. Caroline, I know how much you hate that movie! Lol. At least it was entertaining to say at the least and I didn't get bored with it. Malcolm actually looked very good for his age and the mustache suited him. I am usually not one for facial hair but hey, it looked fine on him. :D So, Malcolm was all the eye candy for me to sit and watch the film. Blood and gore=extra eye candy, lol. I'm sick, I know. But mind you, this is fictional blood and gore. But come to think of it, it wasn't really gory. At least, not that I recall. Now the original "Dawn of the Dead", that was gory. I mean, I loved it when the zombies were eating the bikers guts! Haha! Awesome! Anyway, back on topic with "Halloween". I'll admit, some of the characters annoyed me and Jamie Lee Curtis made a much better Laurie Strode in my opinion. But overall, to me, it wasn't bad. Malcolm was great! Hmm, did I say that already? Michael Myers was fine too but I always hate it how he has to kill animals! Why, Mikey? Why?!

"Cat People" (1982) is a great film too. :D

So me and Jasmine had a fight because she had to be so thickheaded and insensitive to make a long story short. Anyway, she randomly brought up that she thinks I'm "thick headed" because I'm a vegetarian and she thinks I think I'm "saving animals." Ok. I know I'm not saving animals but I choose not to eat them! I don't eat my friends! That's how I feel. I got really pissed because this had nothing to do with our argument we were having. Oh man, I was so mean. I called her a stupid c**t and then I told her that if she turned vegetarian, she'd probably lose all of that fat around her head and her face. LMAO! It was mean but funny. Wow,she used to be skinny but now she's really chunky especially in her face. Well, it's all of that McDonald's, Burger King and Chinese food everyday. What can I say? I felt bad for saying that to her but i was just so furious! So I called to apologize later on in the day and she was all smart ass about it saying, "what's done is done." Okay Jasmine, stop quoting Shakespeare and here I am apologizing and she doesn't give a damn. Well, neither do I! Honestly, these past two weeks couldn't have been better. I feel so much better without her. After all, all she did was put me down yet she was just saying she was "joking" and I'm "too sensitive". I know I'm sensitive but hey, fat jokes aren't my thing and I don't take kindly to them.

Cognitive therapy is the key to better self esteem. The upsetting event doesn't trigger the consequence, the automatic thoughts do. It's all about the way we talk to ourselves. The messages we send. I'll have to read the thirteen steps over again.

I was woken up this morning by my dad who came in with an envelope containing the results for my GED test. I KNEW I did terrible on it. Anyway, I hear, "Kid! Kid! Your GED test results are here! I'm gonna open them up." So he did and what was in it??? A friggin' diploma with my name on it. Wow. I was shocked. Am I happy? A little but not really. Why? Because the scores seemed low with the exception of the Language Arts writing part. But for 0 hours of sleep and lack of concentration, I guess a passing grade isn't that bad.

It's weird. I should be jumping for joy and using a hundred exclamation points after my sentences but I'm not. My scores make me wanna take the test over again. But the highest score was on the Language Arts writing part. Yay.

I have no idea what to write about but I feel like writing about something. The only thing on my mind right now is Phantasm.

I'm so obsessed with Phantasm/A.Michael Baldwin, it's crazy! Lol. I just got done for like the fifth time watching Phantasm IV:Oblivion. I loved it as I love all of the Phantasm philms. Yes, I know films is spelled wrong but um, long at the reason for it. I just can't wait until the fifth I mean, phifth one comes out. And this one is supposed to answer some questions. I know I have some unanswered questions. Phantasm's storyline does tend to get a little complicated/confusing at times but regardless, I friggin love it!

And I'm working on a Phantasm screenplay. I added a new character Laurie Morningside (now you know what my display name on myspace means), the granddaughter of Jebediah Morningside who at first I was planning on making evil but well with her falling in love with Mike, I figured I'd change her to being good. Yes, there is a love story mixed in. Just like there was in Phantasm II. I really want to start writing it. I got a lot of it planned out in my head but I want to put it on paper but don't know how to start it. I know I'll never get anywhere with it. It's not like Don Coscerelli is ever going to read it and make a movie out of it but I like writing it for my own entertainment. :D

This is actually the ORIGINAL storyline. Laurie's not evil though. I think I'm just gonna make her to pretending that she is because she fears the Tall Man. Who wouldn't? Lol. See, when Jebediah Morningside went through the dimension fork, he never came back. He became evil. Laurie however for some reason even though she too went through the fork, didn't. Err..make sense? Probably not.

Original storyline but thinking about changing it abit:

Mike Pearson and Reggie Bannister are once again fighting the ongoing battle against the sinister mortician, the Tall Man. However, the Tall Man is not alone this time. By his side is Laurie, the perky yet psychotic goth girl who uses her spheres to kill anything that moves. However, when Mike goes back into the past and meets Jebediah once again, he also meets a young girl. She introduces herself as Laurie Morningside and introduces Jebediah as her grandfather. She offers to show Mike around the place and he agrees to walk around with her. She talks to Mike about how her grandfather is incredibly intelligent and is working on entering the passage between life and death to another dimension. During her visit with Mike, Laurie becomes infatuated with him and asks him to say a while. Mike travels back to that time several times. Her eyes light up every time she sees Mike. Little does she know that Mike becomes equally attracted to her. But when he goes back to his own time, like Jebediah, the Laurie he once knew, is no longer there. Can his love save Laurie? Highly doubtful. But perhaps, the impossible is possible. And, most importantly, will Mike finally defeat the Tall Man and his legion of minions?

I forgot to mention Mike's transformation and where it fits in. I'm sure I'll fit it somewhere.

If any Phantasm phans have any ideas on what to write, feel free to let me know! :D And yes, I know my idea probably sucks. Hopefully I'm just being critical as usual but probably not in this case.

Caroline and I went to the movies tonight but we walked out because it was just a boring an lame movie. It was The Nanny Diaries which yeah, in our opinion, was just plain lame! So we decided to walk out. Then we went to Friendly's and had some side caesar salads which were pretty damn cheap and good too! :D Anyway, our last stop was Wal-Mart. So Me and Caroline are standing there looking at the gift wrapping paper and I'm standing there applying more black lipstick. I, uh, tend to touch up my makeup for no reason, even if it already looks fine. These two guys walk by and the one says, "It's not black enough." And as he's turning the corner, I say, "fuck you." I don't know why I said that cause it was pretty immature and just stupid I guess. The problem with me is I can't think of comebacks so I just say whatever comes out of mouth which is most of the time, a little vulgar I suppose, lol. Anyway, one of the guys yells back to me, "He loves you." or something. I have no idea what was up with that but what really bothered me was this lady who was stocking items looks at me with an accusing look and says, "dirty girl." And she was just starring at me with the dirtiest look! WTF?! Like it was any of her business? And what did she mean by that? Was it cause of what I said to that guy? I mean, yeah I know it was wrong, fuck you isn't necessarily the way to go and what he said wasn't all that bad, but I couldn't think of anything! And it was like a reflex! I just said it! I can't think of what else she'd be talking about. Anyway, I can't stop thinking about this whole thing, yes, I'm the female George Constanza. I just wish I would have said something different. Something not swearing but a good comeback. Hey, if anyone knows of any good comebacks, let me know. I wish I knew them then when people were always giving me, "It's not Halloween yet."

Well, the kitten slept in my bed last night and I couldn't sleep cause well, I had this urge to just stay as alert so as I could not only that but the little guy seems to like to sneak up to me and meow practically in my ear. So I only got a few hours and that's if I was lucky! :( I think he pretty much thinks I'm his mommy (well which now I am I guess, lol) and I know why. It probably had to do with me meowing at him to get out from behind the stove. When he was in my room last night/ this morning, he would climb up to me, practically on my face and bite me gently on the cheek, then on my nose where my nose stud is, then my stomach through my shirt which I know why he was doing that. I think he was trying to find nipples down there, lol. I'm like, "I don't have nipples! I mean of course I do! But they're not down there and they DON'T have milk!" LOL! And I continue to meow at him cause he seems to listen to me that way. Then he'd come up by my arm and rub it and then lay his little orange head on it and purr. And every time I'd leave the room, he'd meow, lol. He's so adorable they all are really of course. I just fed mama and the rest of the kittens a few minutes ago and mama let me pet her and stuff so yeah, I think I'm bonding with her too even though she is wild. My next step is getting the whole family and bringing them to the vet and see if they can find homes for them. My dad and I both agreed that we'd love to keep mama too but we can't cause there's no way she'd get along with Buster. Speaking of Buster, he seems pretty down today and I think it's cause of the kitty but well, he'll get used to him and I know Dusty will too even though Dusty was barking at him yesterday when he was hiding behind the stove. *sigh*

Don't mind me. I'm just so excited cause I've never had an actual kitten before. I mean I've had and have a cat, but they weren't kittens. I'll tell ya, they can be a handful cause they're just like little kids. They ARE little kids, lol.

And he really seems to like the New Age channel on Direct Tv, lol. Really! I figured he would cause babies like relaxing music. :D

Well I did it. I finally did it. I was hanging out all day for the most part with mama and the kittens and mama was really fine with me today, rubbing me and meowing at me. Anyway, later on, Mama cat was sleeping in the bushes with the other cats and I was playing with the orange one and I made the moved and grabbed him. First I started walking and after I went under the fence, I started running. I was scared to death that I'd lose him and he'd get out of my grip and run in the road or something but I got him. As soon as we got in, I left him go and he went into my mother's room and Buster was VERY surprised of course. I picked up the kitten who was hiding in their in a corner and kissed him and then I let him go in the kitchen and he ran and hid behind the stove. He was there for a more than a few hours probably but I eventually got him out by meowing at him, lol. At first I tried yarn and other things but nothing worked. So I sat there meowing and he came out. I blocked both ways so he couldn't get behind the stove. So he had no choice but to come with me into my room. Hehe. My mom came out and I finally got to pick him up again and she wanted to take him so I gave him to her. She was so happy to pick him up and cuddle him. He seemed really comfortable in her arms too because when she brought him in my room and lay him on my bed, he didn't want to leave her arms! He eventually crawled out of her arms and onto my bed and went all the way in the corner and got nice and cozy. I hummed to him for a while a New Age song, lol, and he fell asleep for only a very short time. Then afterwards, he went over on my pillow where he sleeps right now. He looks like he's sleeping from here but I don't know. He looked at me a few minutes ago but then he went back to sleep. My mom just came in a minute ago and now she's lying on the bed with him, lol. He looks pretty comfy right now. I know he can hear me typing cause his ears twitched and he just looked up at me but yeah, he's getting comfy. :D He was actually purring earlier too when I was lying on the bed with him. Tomorrow's potty training day. I hope he doesn't go to the bathroom in my room though especially in my bed! And it'll also take time to get him used/Dusty Buster used to him. Dusty was barking at him earlier when he was hiding behind the stove.

And we're deciding what to name him but we have no idea if it's a girl or a boy. One of my mom's orange cats was named Sunkist. So we're thinking either Sunkist or Cosmo like Cosmo Kramer. :D

I never know what to write about as not much is going on right now except for my experience with the kitties who I am getting MUCH closer to by the way! :D Yeah, I've been playing with the orange one and even petting him! :D So I feel I am getting closer to getting him! Well actually, I did grab him the other day but he started screaming and biting and scratching me and then mama cat came running out and hissing at me so I let him go. But I think I'll make another attempt in the next few days after all, I'm petting him more and I think he's getting more used to me. I can't say that for the other kitties though cause they're still keeping their distance. My dad is VERY close to the mother cat. I don't know how he does it. He pets her and grabs her tail gently! And she hisses at me all of the time and bit before but not enough to draw blood. What's up with that??? But I think in a few days I'll make a move, no wait I won't I'll have my dad do it, lol. I'll have him grab the kitty. He'd like to get all of them so we can bring them to the SPCA, but I don't think that's gonna happen right now. My mom called the SPCA and they said they didn't have enough room for them there! WTH?!?! So she's going to call another place that they gave her the number to. We've got to help these kittens and their mommy!

And I did have lots of fun on Friday when I went to the Harry Potter Midnight Release Party at Barnes and Noble with Caroline, Meagan and Meghan. But Caroline should have won something for her costume! She looked great as Ginny and Meghan sure did have a kickass wand and Meagan took some kickass pictures. :D

And I'm still debating on whether or not I should rent "A Cinderella Story." Dan Byrd (my severe new obsession), is in it so that's the only reason why I might. But Hilary Duff annoys me and I hope she doesn't get Dan! If she does I'll.....................
kill that f***ing b***h!

Well, my dad's been getting closer to the kittens by feeding them and sitting with them and the mommy. But the mommy still growls but she has let dad touch the kittens. At least the black one that stayed there while eating. My dad touched her but the mama just looked at him and went back to eating as well. We all really want the orange kitty with the big blue eyes but he's hard to get cause he's so scared. The black and white one seems a little more calm though so my dad might get that. Basically, we're trying to get whatever kitty we can get. I just want a kitten! :( And we're also planning on calling the SPCA so we can get the others and their mommy good homes. I haven't seen them all day today though so I'm worried. They were living behind our shed but then they moved across the street behind the fence, on the big rock next to a bunch of bushes. But we haven't seen them there all day. Well, my mother saw the kittens early this morning jumping around on the rock and dad saw the mommy earlier, but we haven't seen them since and we put food and water out there as usual. It hasn't been touched yet. I just hope they haven't moved on. But why would they when they're getting fed???

My father found four kittens behind our shed the other day. Three black ones and one orange one with big blue eyes. They're adorable and they can't be more than a month old. So my parents discovered the mother today and I saw her later on. She's a very small calico cat. When I went to feed them today, as I was putting the plate down, she kept growling at me and hissing at me. Then when I sat the plate down, she put her mouth towards my hand so I was a little nervous that she'd try to bite me but she didn't. So I sat there while they were eating, and when they were done, I held my hand out to the mother and she came up to me and sniffed my hand but then she bit my finger but not hard at all, not hard enough to draw blood. I've been checking on them all day, and fed them quite a few times. They're all awfully hungry. I was talking to my dad and he keeps going on about the "little orange head." He really loves that little orange one with the big blue eyes but he loves them all. I'm hoping we can keep one. I asked him and he said I'd have to talk to my mother about it. I know why he keeps talking about the orange one. My mother ALWAYS had orange cats. First she had Saber, who was a VERY spunky cat let me tell you, he thought he was a dog, lol. And then there was Sunkist who she lost a long time ago when we all had to move and we couldn't take the cats with us. So my aunt took Saber and Sunkist and one night Sunkist got out of the house because her asshole boyfriend left the door open. And Sunkist never came back. My mom was so devastated. Poor Sunkist. I don't really remember him that well because I was so little like a couple years old.

So as of now, with mommy and her kittens, I'm just going to do my best to take care of them and I know I'm doing a good thing. Then hopefully, when I get them more tame and used to human contact, we can find them good homes. But I'd really like to keep one of them and my dad was like, "Why don't we keep them all?" Jokingly. It would be nice if we could but we can't.

YAY! I'M SO HAPPY! I FOUND MY CD CASE! IT WAS IN MY WILLY WONKA BAG! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE HELL IT GOT IN THERE AS I HAVEN'T USED THAT BAG IN AGES BUT ANYWAY, YEAH, I FRIGGIN FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, if only my wallet would turn up. But that's been missing for weeks. :(

And now I'm off to dye my hair! Er...maybe not, I just opened the hair dye and there's NO brush! WTF?!?!?! Who makes a hair dye with NO brush??? It says right on the instructions: use the brush. And yet, when you look on the side of what's included, there's NO brush listed! And yeah, no brush inside either! WTF?! Fifteen bucks for hair dye and NO brush?! What's this world coming to?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lauren's getting frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I lost forty dollars last time I went out, and before that I lost my wallet containing both my ID and social security card. So then I asked, great what's next? Now I lost my damn CD case with my favorite CD's in it!!!! I looked everywhere for it. I don't understand where the hell I could have put it. I went to the doctors on Wednesday but i was sure I had it when I left there. I know I did. And I went out with Caroline yesterday but I don't think I had it with me then. This REALLY sucks. I lose everything. I really do. I'm so damn irresponsible. I guess now I'll just have to buy all of the CD's over again. I can't remember how many were in there but I think there was like 7 or 8 including a CD that came with my Cure box set. Great, I'm gonna have to buy a fifty dollar box set again cause I lost one of the four CD's? This really sucks. I really do lose everything. Every day, something goes missing.

I'm in a really funny mood right now so I feel sharing a few funny stories that aren't mine but my dad's. His stories are just funnier than mine.

First of all, my dad told me this story about when he and my mom lived in a trailer on Bloomer road in Poughkeepsie (At least, I believe that's where it was at the time.)I was only a baby then so I didn't see anything well if I did, I wouldn't remember it anyway. My aunt and uncle were over at the time as my parents were having a yard sale. They decided to go inside at the time cause nobody was there and my aunt and uncle volunteered to stay outside. Anyway, this man and woman come and they're just walking down the driveway to go to the yard sale. Now this is a very steep hill mind you.So all of a sudden, this guy starts running uncontrollably, failing his arms. The woman yells, "Stop him! Stop him!" and the guy stopped alright when he ran right into the trailer right into the outside of it. CRASH! My aunt and uncle were cracking up hysterically while my dad was looking out the window laughing. In fact, after the guy crashed into the trailer, my dad pulled the curtain down. Boy, that guy must have been so excited about that yard sale!

Another time. My dad had gone to a Mobile station on his way to work that morning to stop and get coffee and he also had to go to the bathroom. Number two. Now, I don't know how anybody can do that in a public bathroom but hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. Anyway, my dad went into the bathroom. While he's sitting there and I'll quote him, "I'm sitting there taking a shit and all of a sudden, this asshole opens the door and screams "Aaaaaaaaaaah!" Then he ran away and left the door wide opened. I yelled out you fucking idiot! So there I am sitting on the toilet. The cashier's waving at me and people are looking. There had to be 50 people in there. It was really busy because it's busy in there early in the morning when people are on their way to work. So I get up from the toilet, with my hand trying to cover my balls and my pants down to my ankles. It's one of these long hallways. You know how the toilet to the door is really long in those gas stations. So I finally reached the door and shut it."

I'll bet ya the cashier watched that tape on the surveillance camera over and over again laughing hysterically.

Well, I didn't exactly have the best day today. First off, my parents and I went to the Mid-Hudson Buffet which we rarely go to anymore. I felt extremely sick after eating there but luckily I didn't throw up. The food there is probably poison anyway but it is very good.

After that, we went to the mall and my dad gave me forty bucks to put towards my contacts that I need to get. Yes I know I need a job. *Mumbles*. Anyway, my mother and I went to Lenscrafters and I asked the woman there if I could put a balance down on the contacts. She said no because since they have to special order the contacts, you have to pay full price in advance. I thought that was stupid. The contacts are seventy bucks. :( I don't know when I'm going to get them. After leaving Lenscrafters, my mother and I went to Bath and Body Works and she got a couple of body splashes and shower gel for my dad. Yes, there is men's stuff there. Anyway, after we left, we went to Hallmark. I had put my forty dollars in my pants pocket which actually has very small pockets. I didn't think much of it when I first put the money in there but then while we were at Hallmark, I reached in my pocket and it was empty. I freaked out started to cry and I had to go retrace my steps. I went back to Lenscrafters, Bath and Body Works, and Victoria's Secret (I forgot to mention that I went there for a second just to look at the makeup in the front.) Nobody had found two twenties on the floor. Anyway, I was really upset now because I was so disappointed in myself that I lost forty bucks and not only that, but it wasn't even my money. My mother and I went to Hot Topic later on, and I was talking to Brandy, one of the managers about it. She just said something along the lines of, "Well, think about this way. Maybe somebody who needs to put food on the table for their family picked it up." Um, yeah, right Brandy. I mean come on, would people really be at the mall if they didn't even have the money to put food on the table? And she told me that my dad wouldn't be disappointed with me because it was an accident. Like, how does she know he wouldn't be disappointed? Well, he was. When we left I was crying in the car and I told my dad I was sorry. Of course he was mad because I lost forty bucks but we both got over it but I still feel really bad.

Not only that, But I lost my purse also last week that had both my social security card and ID in it! :( What's gonna happen next? Am I gonna lose a hundred bucks??

And I checked out the dollar store which I really don't care for the one in the mall but I was shocked to find black lipstick! I didn't know Jordana made black lipstick! So I got that and I tried it on and it works pretty good. I think I'm gonna wear black lipstick more often well, sometimes. This black says black but when I put it on, it looks like a very dark brown/ burnt red I wanna say actually, lol. I tried putting it on really dark but it doesn't get like really dark like pitch black. I mean it gets dark but not yeah, raven black but it looks good actually, better than actual black does on me, and it stays on! Some people look really amazing with black lipstick like my friend Kayleah. She does look AMAZING!

I just won't wear in with the white face powder like I used to. It's much too shocking. But I wish I was a few shades lighter than I am now.

That last paragraph was random but oh well.

And my icon makes me laugh so that makes me feel somewhat better.

I don't understand it, I'm dizzy for no reason. Every time I stand up, I feel dizzy, really dizzy. Maybe it's the medications I'm on? That's usually a side effect with almost every medication. My prescriber Jana, is cutting me down by the way. But I made a big mistake, On the bottle of my Welbutrin it said "take 2 tablets in the morning for 14 days. Then take one tablet in the morning for 14 days." I'm way over that! I totally forgot to change it to one after 14 days and now I don't know what to do cause I see Jana in another month and honestly, I'm scared to talk to her cause I'm afraid she'll yell at me!

Oh and I didn't eat dinner. The only thing I ate today was a slice of brocoli leftover pizza. And that was around three. Yeah, maybe that could contribute to my dizziness? I just hope I'm not getting sick!

Well, I finally downloaded AIM 6.1 or whatever it is. But there's a problem. It doesn't work! I downloaded it twice because the first time I dowloaded it, it said I had version 5.0 and I wanted the newest one. So I think I still have 5.0 and I have the very old version that I was normally using and now I have 6.1. When I try and login on the 6.1, it says there was an error while connecting and it won't stop!!! Any ideas as to why it might be doing that?

Anyway, I went to the mall with Caroline today, or yesterday rather. We had fun. Aaram Reyes, my "stalker" was there again at the coffee shop where he always is. But I don't think he saw us and he didn't approach us, thank god. But actually, he's not a stalker cause if he was, he wouldn't stop at nothing to get me. He wouldn't let anything stand in his way. He would continue to pester me and follow me. Eek, that's a creepy thought! I think he's pretty much there every Friday unfortunately. But well, he's not bothering us so I guess it's alright. He was wearing a very weird hat, it was striped and it looked like a winter hat to me, lol. I have no idea what it was. We were disappointed because Sperling wasn't there. He's this goofy high low talker. Yeah, he speaks low and yet his voice is very high pitched, especially when he gets excited. And anyway, me and Caroline went to Salvatore's after the mall for dinner. It's delicious there! It's an Italian Restuarant. The only other pizza place that's really around in Red Hook is Village Pizza which is basically like McDonald's. It's an Italian McDonald's. It's an Italian fast food place. They're really cheap there and crappy. But Salvatore's is a fine Italian Restaurant and that is some good shit! ^_^

I'm tired.......

of being bashed by those who think they're helping me. Is bashing really the right way to go? I never bash anyone for anything they believe in.

of feeling stupid and being treated like I'm stupid. I've always thought I was stupid and now even more so. And I don't want sympathy.

of not being able to stand up for myself to anyone. Then letting all of my emotions get bottled up inside until one day, I just burst out screaming and crying.

of feeling like a stupid piece of shit.

of arguing.

of people believing everything they hear and don't know a damn thing about. For example, how can you believe the National Enquirer? Let's play telephone, shall we?

of other people thinking that they're the smartest people on the planet and everything you believe is wrong and they're right or their standards are a million times higher than yours.

of being paranoid.

of sitting here and crying and being miserable.

of having very low self-esteem.

of being myself.


I'm happy....

of going to Caroline's house and having a good time.

of the new CD she made me.

of right now, not too many things.